On a ramble with words.

 When I announced I was back in the blogosphere, I imagined that I would churn out a post every week. I got myself an accountability group of fellow bloggers and managed to start two posts- one in my head and the other in the draft section of my email. What I did not contend with was the inertia that has held me bound for many months since the start of the pandemic.

One question I get asked a lot is about working during the first months of the pandemic as a frontline worker in NY. To be honest, I do not like that question, it digs up memories I would rather leave buried and when somedays some memories pop up like a Jack in the box uninvited, I allow a few tears trickle down before hurriedly shutting the box. I am not sure what would happen if  the memories buried underneath the concrete in the shores of my mind pop up but I know that they are safer hidden in the oceans depths than swirling in the atmosphere around my head.

The one emotion that stuck to me was fear. I did not think I was afraid but fear has a funny way of converting to unusual forms when you try very hard to ignore its presence. How does it manifest? For me it was waking up one night and feeling like my lungs were now two pieces of velcro. It took me a few minutes to struggle to breathe to separate the two sheets of this material and it was painful. My first thought after the pain disappeared was to explain it as being because I had fallen asleep with my N95 mask on. Did the virus somehow find its way into my body while I catnapped. The next time it happened, I did not have my mask on and that left me wondering what was going on. When it happened again months into a new job when the weight of the world seemed to be on my shoulders, I knew that my body was telling me that I wasn't made to be a reservoir for so much chaos and I needed to find an outlet to release it, very much like the gas build up after eating a pot of beans cooked by the boys in 'Mellanby' or 'Kuti' halls.

It took me consciously making time for me and not pouring my soul into my work for me to get over this hurdle. For the first time in my life, I realized that if I dropped down dead, work would go on. In a matter of months, weeks or days even, I would be replaced as a number on the payroll. The pandemic has a way of forcing you to confront reality. Did I really want to be the physician with no life outside the hospital changing ventilator settings, fine tuning broken lungs, retuning failing kidneys and dragging the ultrasound machine around ICU floors? Was my life only going to be characterized by coming into work before the sun came up and leaving after the sun went down and crashing into bed just to repeat the cycle?  Or did I want to be a physician who came in and did her best but also made time to actually look up and observe the different cloud patterns on the drive home, appreciate the beautiful sunsets and sunrises and stop as they say to smell the roses. 

I joined a group of Iconic women who have become a much needed community in these times and they have helped me appreciate myself more. They have taught me to make space for me, beautify the space I live in, silence the self deprecating voice that rears its head to mock and challenge me when I play back the days events after a long day at the hospital. With them I realize I am human and will make mistakes and it is okay. I am continually challenged by how they fight their battles, encourage each other and live gracefully in spite of their circumstances. 

I started off wanting to write about one thing but have written about many things. I'll summarize for those of you who have gotten lost in the woods of my words. Don't bury yourself in your job. It will bury you with no regrets. Family always comes first. Look for a like minded group of individuals who will stretch you in a good way to look outside the conventional box you have built around yourself. It is okay to give yourself a lot of grace. You will not be perfect, you will not be liked by everyone, you will sometimes feel like a fish out of water but it is okay. You may be battered by the storm but you'll come out not just stronger but with the battle scars to prove that you survived. Make time for you. Create time to think, reflect, plan and strategize and rest. And above all turn to the one who made you. Ask Him to help you through this journey we call life. He has the blueprint.