The Almost Syndrome!


Anyone who has attended a function in Naija e.g. wedding, birthday celebration, book launch etc can relate to a concept which I call 'The Almost syndrome'. I will illustrate this concept with a story. I walked to the wedding reception of a cousin with an uncle after the church ceremony was over. The hall where the reception was taken place was just beside the church. Several other guests were sitted and I walked on in front, I made to walk to the front of the hall to find a seat which would provide me a vantage view of the ceremony. I had hardly walked past two rows behind when my uncle asked where I was headed. I told him I was going to the front of the hall. His next statement left me in stitches. He said I had obviously not attended enough ceremonies to know that the best seats were not at the front but at the back of the hall closest to where the food was being served. 'Mi o ti wa moto lati ile mi ki n wa wo enu awon to n jeun'. Roughly translated this means 'I have not come all the way from my house to watch others eating'. He had driven over 100km to attend the wedding so I understood his grouse about not being skipped when food was being served.

A common phenomenom in Nigerian ceremonies is that everyone who hears about the event assumes he has been invited. There is no concept of attendance being only by invitation. Of course that leaves those who have the onerous duty to prepare for any ceremony in a quandry. They prepare for 700 guests and of course over 1000 guests appear. How will there ever be enough? And  so the 'Almost Syndrome' kicks in.. The food is slowly and steadily being served and just as the row you are sitting on is to be served, the food finishes. It 'almost' got to you but it did not. Your salivary glands that have been stimulated like Pavlov's dog are left to secrete juices which break down imaginary food molecules and you go home hungry lamenting the injustice done to you who had been among the first to get to the event. If you are lucky your hunger is temporarily abated by a bottle of soft drinks. One way to avoid this is to make sure you eat a hearty meal before you leave your house. I remember my mum forcing us to eat food before we attended any events. She understood that the almost syndrome could be manifest and I am sure she did not want us hankering after too many sweets.

I have always hated the 'almost there' concept. I would rather not know about something being shared or distributed than to know and be expectant and then have all my hopes and dreams come crashing down in my face. There is something that is completely heartbreaking about being left on the fence. Everyone else gets a break but just as you are about to be served or given what you think is coming to you, the apologies start. We are sorry but in the light of recent developements we are unable to continue with this scheme or that program.... and you are left behind looking at the tail lights of others who have gone ahead and are the lucky participants and wondering when you will ever be the lucky one!

The story of my uncle and I ended on a great note. I took his advice and we sat together on the row at the back which was closest to the servers. Not only where we served on time (we were actually the first to be served) we got the opportunity to choose what we wanted. After we had eaten to our hearts content, my uncle turned to me and asked if he had not been right when he said the best seats in the house where at the back, out of sight but strategically located. I am sure he had a lovely drive back home and I did not have to cook dinner when I got back to school.

The moral of the story 'Be strategically located', do not just choose any seat choose the best one! And most importantly pray that the 'Almost there syndrome' does not afflict you!

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